Mini Brain Dumps

The holidays are supposed to be the happiest times of the year. Yet, I find them to be bittersweet.

My mom passed away when I was two years old on Groundhog Day, a day that should mark the promise of spring but instead reminds me of the loss that came far too soon. Throughout my life, I often wonder what my life would have been like with her in it.

Then there’s Thanksgiving, a day that should be filled with gratitude and joy. Instead, it carries the weight of my maternal grandfather’s passing, which coincidentally falls on my birthday. I remember the years when we would gather as a family, sharing stories and laughter around the dinner table—moments now tinged with bittersweet nostalgia.

And now, my grandfather-in-law has been diagnosed with stage 4 terminal cancer, just a week after my husband and I got married.

It almost feels like life doesn’t want me to have any happy moments to cherish. A fun holiday to mark the beginning of spring… ruined. My birthday… gone. My wedding… overshadowed.

As Christmas approaches, the time of my mother’s birthday, all I can think about is how much I have lost and what I am about to lose. I’ve lovingly dubbed this season “The Mourning of the Living…”

The best time of the year? Bullshark.

It’s hard to escape the heaviness of these thoughts when the world around me insists that I should be happy.

For those of you who may be experiencing similar feelings, just know that you’re not alone, and it’s okay to not be okay.

As we prepare for the holidays, carve out space for your grief. Find ways to honor your loved ones. Share their stories, cook their favorite meals, or play their favorite songs.

The holidays may never feel the same, but it’s okay to have those conflicting emotions—both joy and sorrow, as one can’t exist without the other.

It’s okay to let your heart feel heavy; it simply shows how much love those we have lost, or may soon lose, had/have in life.

Know that by being here, you do not diminish the memory of our loved ones who are not present. Cherish the time that we have left before it is too late. And when they are gone, they will be remembered. WE will remember.

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